The really ironic part is that when my husband and I moved back into the area and I worked in the bakery, an addition had been made--a HEALTH FOOD STORE!! Now that raised many people's eyebrows and we had many comments about the combination of the two. We sold donuts and Danish--no coffee because my parents were devout Mormons and didn't believe others should enjoy coffee with their donuts when they didn't! The mixed messages were abundant in our home too. If ever we questioned any rule or church teaching the burden was put back on us--"What is wrong with you, even thinking that?"
Interestingly enough there was a comment that I overheard the other night while at a dining establishment, and I heard a gentleman calmly state, "I disagree, here." There continued to be calm discussion and later even laughter. A seemingly big clash seemed to ring in my head--I realized at the point in time I hadn't remembered hearing those words spoken in my childhood home. There were two ways of things my PARENTS--and the opposite, which was wrong.
It's very disingenuous growing up with that rattling around in your head.
The thing that has brought all of this to mind is the life changes my sister has been going through recently. She is so close to being penniless that it is hard for me to fathom. It's taken a while to get to the point she now finds herself. A business going under and a house in a B of A legal battle and wondering just how she is going to support herself. She's in her 50's and just keeps wondering how she can manage. Several jobs have gone to someone else and she's in the midst of questioning lots of things. LIFE, business, religion, money---etc. All the things that many people are facing in this economy and change of those--well I call them the Beverly Cleaver times--for those readers not of that era, it was the mother stays at home and fixes the meals and always knows just what to say to make things at home run smoothly and make everyone happy!
As my sis questioned where all this leaves her, she asked for some help from our mother. Well, I've been brought into a lifelong conflict and its ramifications my sister feels between the philosophy that "Families are Forever" and the demonstration of less than that in actuality. A mother in a 5,000 square foot house is too cramped to offer space to a daughter that may need to make a move to survive. Well, the offer finally came after Mom repeatedly said that she didn't want my sis living there. Enter me, through many conversations with said sister she posed this: "How could a 50+ year old woman constantly be emotionally returned to being a rebellious 13 year old" I have no answers and my philosophy is to listen, support, but allow her to make her own life choices. My belief is that life choices are for each individual to make.
All my sis wants is love, acceptance and an answer to her many questions about the religious beliefs of a mother. Thankfully, Mom did send a check to assist with pressing bills as my sis figures out how to sell household furniture and make the adjustments from there to short selling her house. (All this while still trying to find employment.) I find this has been a great drain on my emotions and the turmoil I've had with Mom over religion is still something that will never heal as long as Mom lives, as I am the errant daughter because I left that religion. I am the "apostate" because I left. I found that I had to put some boundaries on the conversations that I have with Mom. Basically no religion or politics can be discussed because there is just too much tension when that occurs. So, as a result, our conversations are about who has died, and who in my hometown is sick, and the weather. In order to not put myself into her beliefs many of my conversations are her talking until she cycles out. I listen, occasionally offering some sort of conversation. It has become a very surface relationship. Now, I find my sister going through some of the same things I did about 8 years ago and the difference is that Sis questions. I learned that I couldn't do that anymore. But, the sadness of a woman who finds it very hard to give any credence or value to her children because they view life differently that she does, sometimes is overwhelming.
My overall joy in life is returning. The waves of depression are lifting, but it's been a most difficult month for me!
I've felt like this:
I added this to my morning regime:
About quilting--I'm not sure where I'm headed.
The local Family Connections Center where I gave many donations, has closed due to funding cuts. Another group I sent some quilts to has not responded with the receipts I keep for taxes. I'm starting a box for Sarah at http://www.confessionsofafabricaddict.blogspot.com/ I am always working on blocks for http://sunshinequiltguild.blogspot.com/ But, I've decided that other than the liberated round robin http://liberatedroundrobin.blogspot.com/ I'm taking a break. I got a few books at the library and I've got some blocks from a Block a Month that are awaiting being made into a top. I'm waiting for something to really scream at me: "I want you to start ME!" I'm not worried--its just that with all the stuff going on in my head, creativity has taken leave for the moment. It will return. I'm finding peace with being me. I finding peace at being me! I'm finding peace with being me!!! ---and yes Bridget I'm working on staying "in the MOMENT."
I did want to share one more link, this one appealed to my string quilting love. It's a new way to make some strings into a quilt. Rose Marie will be adding more to this tutorial next week.
Now, I'm talked out for today. Have a great weekend as that is what I plan to do!!!